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A new role I have slipped into over the last couple of days within my sister's family is one of 'listener-carer-counsellor' where a row between my sister and one of her daughters has erupted to a place that is going to take months and months maybe years to heal. Her daughter (44yrs) has used words and accusations that my sister has never heard before.

Elliann, I can easily see you filling that role and doing a great job of it too. It is always sad though when family rifts happen and very unregrettable words are spoken which can never be taken back. Your sister and your niece are lucky to have someone like you , to confide to . They must both be really feeling very hurt at this time. Hope things will soon get back on a more even keel for you all. Take care of your own feelings and good heart too Ellie.

Thanks Katy.

I'm trying to remain balanced so that I myself dont say anything I may regret and cause more strain between them or strain my own relationships with them. I'm glad to be in Wellington because I'd rather stay out of it till feelings are more settled.

That's tricky Ellieann and a role that is fraught with danger so you are wise treading carefully. Make sure you look after yourself too.

A family 'affair's always more volatile and can be super sensitive to say the least.
Look at the domestic violence reports not only between 'man and wife'. EllieA you sound as if you are doing what you can as a good family member, and I consider you a very thoughtful and wise person, but I too would caution any suggestions they might take as your fault later as often happens when the fires of wrath and anger die down.

Many hold on to their 'opinions' and never seem to want to apologise for their own input ( and bad behaviour) and expect the other to. It is easy to say sorry, let's move on as suggestions in words, or silence.

I do hope they cool down and not carry this anger against each other. I have never really understood the need for truly harsh and destructive family discord that goes on forever.
I try to talk them as they are, keep away as best one can, leave their company with a polite excuse me and douse any adverse conversation.

So many ways to really leave the hard things behind isn't there, but some people do and say things that can be unforgivable .
Sad being in a family . Mother and daughter too.
But I do not know the real story either so should clam up
and........
I am speaking out too much again as usual ...it might be the dull quiet days I have here...or just the verbal chook that clucks away continuously...now if I laid and egg each time, a golden one like the goose.. we would all be richer.

You are a fine person EllieA, respected and loved. I think they both love you dearly as well

thank you ladies

In the past I have made some very stupid mistakes of saying stupid and unwise things, I have learnt its best to say nothing (protecting myself) but my heart bleeds for my sister. I reckon my niece is at breaking point with stuff she refuses to face and it has built to a level where she cannot contain it any longer but she is lashing out at everyone instead of seeking help. I just hope my sister can 'see' the bigger picture and not let the pain go too deep. I wish my other sisters were still here, they are/were older and wiser than me!! I'm just glad I'm down here for now.

Oh Ellie, we have all made those sorts of mistakes! In fact, it really is true that we so often say things which hurt most, the very ones we love most , so don't be so hard on yourself !. Whether it be mother vs daughter, Husband vs wife , brother vs sisters, I have noticed that within families, none of us are really that good at taking advice from those closest to us, and in fact are more likely to take notice of the very same advice if it is dished out by someone not so close or even outside of the family circle. It is really hard to be caught in the middle as both parties are likely to vent their spleens at you !. OMG!... I have had this situation between my mother and my sister in law. years ago too. I remember at that time thinking the same as you are now.... Thank goodness I am living up here in Auckland and not near them both , where they were. I can truly understand your reluctance to become too embroiled in this after learning from earlier experiences I do think it wise to stand back a little anyway. It is very frustrating when as an onlooker, one can see the full picture though and they cannot - or possible can, but no way will admit it to each other. Usually it is because they are too busy trying to score points off each other , and it may take an outsider to get them to see sense. It is easy to take a horse to water though isn't it ?
Hugs, Ellie.

Hi Ellie
I was just reading this post and have to say that everything that Katy has said is so true. We so often hurt the most we love or treat our families in ways that we would never get away with work. I have a sister who sounds like your niece. I have always found it good to be able to step away from the situation. I used try to stay out of it until she really upsets my elderly mum and then I tend to ring my sister and scream due to the frustration. Then I realised it was damaging my health and the truth is both have toxic personalities (my mum refused to speak to her sister for 20 years) and can hold a grudge. Throw my sister in law into the works and we have our own fireworks.

Time heals all wounds and as my doctor said to me today what is important and is so significant won't be remembered or will be significant in 2 years. I tried running away to Europe but my leaky home situation meant I had to come back to NZ and despite my sister living in Sydney and my mum in Wellington - they were at each other's throats. I've also learnt to 'keep a wise counsel' and not say anything against the other person as it will all end up thrown in your face. IT sounds like a hard time for you so feel free to pm me if you need a coffee at the weekend or just a rant!