Member's Stories My life as a Plus Sized Female | My life as a Plus Sized Female |
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| Written by Michele Crawford | |
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Hi My Name is Michele Crawford and I am 31, mother of 2. I am originally from New York but now reside in Louisiana. I know what you are going to say" How did you get to Louisiana from New York". I get that all the time. When I was growing up I was a sexy size 9/10 and being that I am 5 feet 11 1/2 inches that was a very nice size to be back then, now that I am older it seems that the weight comes on and goes off and vise versa. I am trying to come to terms with myself and accept that this is me and be happy to at least be alive but something inside of me tells me different. I came to Louisiana with the expectation of being married to the fiance that I moved here with, until I woke up and finally realized that it was not going to happen at least not with him and it was because of my weight. I used to hear " You are to big for me" or " I am embarassed when I walk with you". Oh yeah and my all time favorite "No one is going to want you but me". I heard that so many times that I actually started believing that so I did the worst thing that I could ever do to myself , started losing weight , but only not for me, it was for him and when it was all said and done he left anyway. I was devasted to the point that I was on antidepressants and on the verg of just ending my life. The only thing that kept me going was the love of my son. It still hurts even after I think about it now. I want to be thin and I keep trying and trying and it does not seem to work. I want to find someone to love me for me and accept me as I am but in this crazy world of size 0 I have not found that person yet...so I am in this world alone and yes still overweight. I keep hearing you are an attractive woman you have a beautiful face but that is it once they get the full picture of me it does not seem like such a compliment anymore. I keep myself up to hide the pain that I feel everyday that I am awake..you know the hair, nails, pedicure...the female thing. The store Lane Bryant that I shop in the sales women know my name I am in there so much. I have on my reciepts "frequent buyer" on it. I am so afraid that when I am out in public that I look my best at all times so that when they see me all they can say is that girl is a big girl but she sure is dressed nice or is well kept. I have tried to get past the pain and deal with what is in front of me combat it and overcome it but sometimes I just feel like everyone is looking at me and my world is closing in on me. I want help I need help and I dont know how to get it. I would be happy as a size 16. I keep looking at the charts and read what I should be for my height and it is so discouraging, in essence I need to lose a whole person 120lbs. I keep hearing about the surgical procedures and wonder if that is right for me but I can not help thinking about the risks involved. I ask myself is it worth it? I jus want to know how to deal with myself if this is what I am going to be I want to know how to accept and know how to handle the person inside as well as outside. Comments
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My life as a Plus Sized Female
written by Desireed , 13 January, 2010 You must be logged in to post a comment. Please register if you aren't a member yet'.
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Michele, I am also 31 yrs old with 2 beautiful children and I can honestly say I've been in your shoes! I had my son with a man I was madly in love with and also often heard him say that I had to loose weight, wasn't how he needed me to be... and yes, it also killed me everytime I heard those words. The more I tried to lose weight for him, the harder it was and the more abuse I had to put up with.. stupidly I put up with it for a long time, because "I loved him.." He was also an alcoholic, so there were days he wouldn't come home and then when he did, he would act like everything was fine. Eventually when my son was 6 months old I decided enough is enough!!! I was not the person I used to be.. all my confidence and drive was gone, with my son being the only one keeping me going. It was so hard to leave him, but I did and then made the decision to find myself again and be the best that I know I can be.. for myself and my son.
It was so hard.. waking up alone.. feeling a pain in my heart everyday.. and then I would try keeping focused on the positive and keep going.. I knew I was overweight and I also knew that I didn't want to grow old alone.. I so badly wanted to lose weight, and not admitting to myself, that I was trying to get thin so I would "find someone" and be accepted. I was wrong again.. So after a while my new decision was to stop looking for someone to make me happy, and start making myself happy. When my son turned 2, my friends introduced me to a guy.. mmm.. I was so not interested and I think the whole thought of getting involved again scared me. He was persistent and sent me lovely messages all the time, eventually asking me if we could start seeing eachother. I held my breath and took the plunge.. I wasn't going to have my fears make me lose out on something that could be the best thing for me.. as well as my son! Then all the tests started.. I put him through tests to see if he would be the father I needed for my son and boy, was I headstrong.. and this time I wasn't prepeared to change for anyone.. he had to accept me as I was.. He did and passed all the tests with flying colours. And adopted my son. We have been married now for almost 5 years and also have a new addition to the family.. a little girl, now 2. We are so happy and.. yes, I am still overweight, but now my dieting is for myself and not anyone else...
The only other thing I can say is, hang in there.. be who you truely are and put yourself and your kids first... you will find the perfect person for you, when it's the perfect time.