|Larger than ever but thanks to an understanding Doctor things are starting to look up|
|Written by Flame|
My name is Andrea, Andie to my friends and family. I am 27 and have one son who is 2years old. I am happily married to Ken, who is my one true desire and love. Since having my son I have kept all the weight I gained while pregnant and have gained some more while sitting watching Young and the Restless.
Surprising to myself, is that all my life I have been constantly down trodding myself about my weight, constantly consumed with my looks and if I can fit easily into the movie thearter seat. But now, even though I am the biggest I have ever been, I am the happiest. My husband is wonderful, telling me I beautiful and as sexy as the day he first saw me. Ken will jump me when ever he has a chance, and with peels of laughter I gladly give in! I am fat but loved, and I finally see that for the truth that it is. I am worth loving, no matter what size I am.
On one of my Doctor's visits recently I had a very encouraging talk with my Doctor. We some how got onto the talk of depression and as I shared my story of depression and my suicide attmept at the age of 16, my Doctor told me that I had a form of depression that was hereditary. I almost bawled my eyes out hearing that I had a problem that could be solved. She showed me a picture of a brain that was depressed and another picture of a normal brain, I was shocked to see the dramatic difference between the two. All I could think was "Oh no wonder I can't remember things or think clearly, or motivate myself!"
As my Doctor talked more about my condition I began to feel a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. I felt as though I was a dove being released from a cage to fly high into the sky. And so, my Doctor perscribed 'Aropax' for me. This past week has been my first week of taking the pills. Of course I was so happy about the whole revelation that I rang people and told them the good news. And I found a worrysome thing and that was the stigma of saying "...chemical inbalance in my brain...." to some people. For some strange reason some people who hear that sentance start freeking out. I felt uncomfortable being on the recieving end of it, but I can understand that not everyone in the country is open minded nor are they all moving ahead with the open doors science and medical research are leaving open for us.
I am not mental. I am just like you. But in my minds eye I am always looking through dark sunglasses and my thoughts and emotions are held back. I am now begining my journey to make my brain 'normal'... to take off those sunglasses and see the world full of colour.
Why am I so excited about all of this??? I am excited because this is going to lead me into a world that won't have me screaming at my son every 10 seconds, I will not be in tears all the time because my husband didn't take my dinner plate and put it in the sink with his, I won't struggle to get out of bed and live every day, I won't be wearing a false smile because when I smile it will be because I feel that smile right inside my heart and my brain.
I feel as though doors are going to be thrust open before me and I will cope. If I am happy then maybe I can motivate myself, and if I can do that then I will do anything that I desire to do. Maybe even loose weight. But right now, all I think about it is seeing my world, my son, my husband without the sunglasses covering everything in shades of grey. My wedding day was covered in grey, the day my son was born that joy was covered in grey. Not any more! I am fighting back and I will not rest until I am free.
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