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There was an unexplainable pain in her eyes when the doctor closed her eyes for the last time. A pain that could pierce through the soul and leave you shuddering for as long as you live to remember. The pale walls of the ward seemed to close up, the doctor nodded, removed his surgical cap, noted the time of death-an early morning death. And gave instructions to the other nurse on duty, her family was to be notified. 7 hours of professional struggle on a body which was too damaged, even beyond recognition.

She was reported by the security guard on duty that night; he was pretty shaken up when he called the emergency number and reported the accident. The ambulance came within few seconds; she was a pile of flesh and blood. The floor beneath her was telling its own story; the blood was dried up at places, giving an approximation of about 15 minutes before she hit the floor. She was still alive, weak pulse, breaking heart rhythm. The doctor in charge looked up as to recreate the scene. The building was 15 storied. At this stage, they couldn’t conclude whether it was a suicide case or murder. The police were informed.

She was put on oxygen, and electrolytes were stuck. Anesthesia was given to prevent from any further pain but deep down the emergency team knew this case went too far to be mended. Rushed to the hospital, and the life saving procedure began. Further investigation revealed she was seen on the 15th floor, standing and looking down, in her own deep thoughts. A note was also found from the jeans pocket. A bloody suicide note, she jumped from the 15th floor.

There was the declaration in the note; no one was to be blamed. Her identity was revealed, a 20 years old female, signed Maha Moughal. A precise note which carried a few words but explained a great deal.

Who was Maha? Maha, the soul of our group, the girl who knew how to bring laughter to any gathering. A faithful friend, an intelligent student, carefree, talked and talked non stop for hours and hours. Maha was my room mate for the past 4 years, she recently moved out. I had known her since then which seems eternity now. We both came from India to study here, we both graduated from high school together, entered the tertiary institute together. Her parents were divorced; she never let that get to her. She brushed aside everything that could have bothered her ever.

She had boyfriends; she never stuck to one for longer than 2 days. But one guy changed her, took away her smile, and left her with an everlasting worried feeling. She fell in love with a guy who cared about her more than himself, for whom she cared about more than herself. The guy was known to have a history of playing with women. It never occurred to anyone that she would be a victim of his game. A dangerous game, a game that took a life.

He was a senior, been in the same university as hers. She has just known him since one year. A guy with such a sweet nature yet a deceiving, personality was hidden behind that caring, melting attitude. He changed a breathing life into a lifeless body now lying in a ward waiting to be moved to the morgue.

Maha liked to keep a record of everything in a personal diary, which she updated every few days. Past few months had been very rough on her; she kept mostly to herself, never discussed anything. Being her best friend I knew she was in pain but couldn’t help it. I gave up on her, we found out the past records of that guy, explained to her that he is not a trustworthy person, but love has shut her eyes tight, made her blind. Her diary was an insight to her life, she was calling out for help but no one was there.
This is how it goes:

March 07
I love Vikrant; I have never had this feeling before. The very first time when he came near me, I felt insane. I hated it. I was out of love and then he said he loved me. I melted; I am giving myself to him. I trust him, I also have doubts, but we have gone too far. Far enough to understand that I belong to him now. I have never asked for anything from him, never asked for any commitment. I don’t understand what is going on anymore. We meet, he doesn’t let me go, he kisses me. I don’t want it to stop either but it is not right. I am scared, scared of what will this do to me.

14 April 07
He makes me feel special, but none of my friends support me on this, they don’t trust Vikrant, they say he is a playboy. I don’t believe it, he is so sweet. We are emotionally attached; I know he is not playing with me. We fight a lot, but we end up together. There is still no commitment from him.
We are having intense moments now; we are together most of the time.

19 April 07
He doesn’t understand what I am going through, I tried to talk to him and he brushed me away, he is bored of me?? I drank a cleaner today, went to the hospital, everyone was worried, he didn’t come. He was busy with assignments. What does this show? I am turning mad. What if he leaves me?? I am sick now, my throat hurts, and I have an appointment with the shrink tomorrow. Good night.

May 07
Life is moving at a steady pace now; I am used to this now. Used to being used. I don’t care about anything. I love him and that only matters. I am having too many weird thoughts about death. We meet everyday, there are too many fights. I try my best to get him out of the way, but I am never successful. I try and try but I fail, because I love him. Because I trust him, because I have given him more than I could have afforded. He is not my boyfriend, then why does he touch me? We are not in a relationship, what is he to me then? What am I to him then? I am demoralized. I am scared of him. He doesn’t understand anything. But he is always nice to me, except sometimes. He always says that we should lessen our intimacy. He says he won’t kiss me again, and then he kisses again. I don’t have a say in this. I can’t live without him. I am in pain. Please gods if you exist help me.
I am going through counseling, but I don’t tell anyone the real reason. I don’t want him to get into trouble. What is the end?

09 July 07
Dear diary,
5 days back, Vikrant promised me of a marriage, those were the happiest days of my life, and I loved him more than ever. I dreamed of a future together, him me and our family. He said he will fight for us. How happy I was, finally I thought I found the happiness of the whole world. Nothing in the world can match those feelings. We are getting too close now, I got scared but I made myself understand that we would get married.
Suddenly he seemed withdrawn; he is scared of his parents. He didn’t talk to me properly today. I kept on begging him. And before I could get a hold on myself I knew it was over. That he got what he wanted. He didn’t even try to persuade his parents and gave me a verdict of death. He kicked me out of his life as if I am not a human being. What did I do to him?? I went to the mental hospital. I was given injections every 4 hours. I didn’t want to come out. He came to get me out of there. I came with him. His promises of a future broke me totally. I tried to get a grip on myself but hardly did.
He used to say something else in the morning and something else at night. When I wanted to get out of the relationship, he would stop me and then later in the day would want to get out himself. I am going through mental torture.

22 July 07
I took an overdose of panadol, I thought I would die, but my insides burnt and I was alive. Very much alive. My soul is dead; I am going through excruciating pain now. Today I turned 20 in the hospital. Had fights with all my friends, except Vikrant. Moved out from my flat. I hate him now, but I don’t know how I will cope with living without him. Things are getting out of control. I don’t have anyone except him now.

24 July 07
He controls my breathing. Hope and happiness has been sucked out of my life. I feel like a long lost traveler, without any supplies, going from here to there without any purpose.
I am staying in a hotel now, away from all friends, family torturing myself.
Today as I am crouched here in room 6A, I feel my presence. I have spent hours here just looking at the light yellow bed sheet, tracing its pattern. I can feel the chilling of the metal bedposts. My aura is dangling in this room getting closer to death. Yes I am thinking of removing myself from his life forever and ever. I know that he doesn’t want me anymore. But I can’t leave him like that. He is inside me.
He doesn’t treat me properly anymore, I wait for his txt messages, I wait for him to meet me, but he says he is busy. Think about it Vikrant. A person whom I used to see 24/7 doesn’t bother turning up after 3 days as well, how does it make me feel? Devastated. But I know I don’t have anything in my hands. He decides everything, he had the authority from the beginning to decide when to talk to me, when to stop, when to kiss me when to stop, when to have physical relationship, when to stop. I know it’s my mistake as well, I gave myself to him, but he said he loved me and he would “marry” me. So bottom line is I have always been a puppet in his hands, just like those other girls. When he went too far, he stopped seeing them, same is happening with me. I hate him for this. The end is nearing, he is even ready, he knows I will be dead soon. And then everything will be over.
Why do I want to die? Because I cant do anything to him, because I love him.

27 July 07
My body keeps on resisting the idea of me dying, my heart cries when imagining my own dead body, but my pain is far more than any resistance. Swap places with me Vikrant and you will know what life is, what the fear of death is like. It’s pretty scary to pencil your own thoughts before your own death.
I had my last meal at burger king. My last stroll to the end of the lane made me realize how lonely I was. The telephone booth, the benches all seemed so unusual, as if I have never seen them before.
Opposite to my hotel is the building which has 15 floors. That will be my end. I want to see Vikrant for one last time, hug him, feel his warmth, and feel him shielding me from this world. But all he says is go and die don’t make headlines. The diary is wet now, my tears are not stopping, I am about to die in an hour or so. I wanted to live, but he didn’t let me. I just loved him too much. I wasn’t obsessed with him. I just wanted to be with him. He promised me a future. My dreams shattered, my values corrupted, my trust broken. I see his face smiling at me. I love you Vikrant, I always loved you, now you are free to go. I wish it was different.
3 years from now
He will be married to someone from his own culture, he will be having his own family, living happily, and he will make his parents proud. He will prove to be a good son. But was he a good person? What did he do to me? Does he even realize that? Probably not and might never.
Shortly I will be lying there quietly in my grave; life will keep on moving for everyone. Where is the justice? What did I achieve? Who is the failure here? Nothing more to say.
Good bye my diary.
You will be found one day.
Maha Moughal.

I just saw her lying down on the hospital bed, lifeless. I wish we could have done something. Vikrant is here as well, he is crying, he says if she could have just given me a chance. But does it matter now? She is gone, gone forever.
Her family is coming from India; she will be given a burial. All her friends are crying and blaming Vikrant, but I had to stop them, when she didn’t want him to get into trouble and wiped her existence from his life then we cant let her sacrifice go in vain. She knew what her end was, silently she went away. Her questions unanswered.

Mehwish Mughal

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